Last week I had a drink with my pal Dipo, who’d just broken up with his girlfriend. What went wrong? Turns out she was a major trash talker about herself and her alleged pea-sized brain. ”She was always saying I’m an idiot….How do I get anything done?” Dipo said, cringing. I used to disagree. But she was so convinced of her inferiority that I finally thought I was the dumb one for not seeing it.
His tale of woe made me think of an old flame I’ll call Bunmi. She’s tall, beautiful and shapely with a gorgeous smile. We shared a string of perfect nights that included listening to nice R&B music and sex was amazing.
The only hitch was Bunmi’s best friend, they had been friends since University, they shared everything and were practically married and the BFF said Bunmi, was stunning.
Overtime, I heard so many variations on this scheme that it was anti climactic to finally meet this. Was she beautiful? Sure! Was she more beautiful than Bunmi? I certainly didn’t think so. But my opinion didn’t count.
Bunmi had convinced herself that she was a distant second. For instance, The BFF was skinnier, but Bunmi kept bringing it up as if her friend or any other woman who was a rail was the physical deal.
Infact, Bunmi’s curvy body was part of her sex appeal. Just as sexy as the thinner alternative, she looked like a 1940s pinup girl. Still after a few months I started wondering: Should I be dating the BFF instead? I didn’t (I’m not that terrible), but you see where I’m going. By constantly calling attention to her imagined shortcomings, Bunmi exposed the one that was real: massive insecurity
I never told her why my feelings fizzled, but if I had, I would have said that she more than held her own against any woman, including her BF and that she’s s much harsher critic of herself than I or any guy could ever be.
Some of the sexiest women I’ve known had so called flaws-from scars to singing voices that made you beg for mercy-but it didn’t matter because they were mind blowing in bed and out of it. And maybe this is selfish, but I think women who constantly need their egos popped up about their body, brains, or anything else aren’t just self-defeating-they are high maintenance. Not a single guy I know that is into that.
So what to do if you have a few insecurities? Well if a guys crazy about you and says you’re great, just trust him. Bunmi didn’t trust me and it left me wondering whether she was able to be really happy.
It turns out my best friend Dipo ran into her recently. ”How’d she look? I asked. His reply shocked me: “Powerful” I hope she believes that.
Commitment by numbers
The cliché’ that men are terrified by committing? So tired! We had “The talk with 102 men and the statistics were promising
84% of guys would rather marry their best friend than a hot movie star
90% of men say that they want to get married at some point (if they haven’t already married)…But only
76% believe that lifelong monogamy is realistic)
74% see an Older bachelor and think his life is creepy
43% say commitment is scary because it makes you vulnerable
62% think there’s a perfect person for everyone.
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