When it’s any old ordinary day, it could be rainbows, dust, or rain, who knows? It could be moments of gold and gain or cold moments of pain. Here in the grey heart of mine, it is usually winter – all year round! It’s usually me in the corner pining over misfortunes and what if’s and maybes or even the old ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would have’s’ too. Nothing really excites this shade of grey. There are normal things, like cups of tea, roller coaster rides, gay clubs, romantic dinners, and conversations about nothing much. Whenever these conversations are stirred, they evoke genuine smiles…smiles that mean, well, nothing really…barely surface. Barely surface, I say, because within, it is never more than a variety of the same grey tinge every day.
The days that are not ordinary are the days when I am caused to go into the memory library of this grey heart. In there I find meaning when I am reconnected with the members of my inner circle. There are less than a handful of these banked memories that can have this effect on me, but when it happens, said shades of grey are temporarily peeled off. You see, what it is, is this old heart has coats and coats of paints brushed on – some quite thick, others thin – but colour coats anyway. These coats have arisen from grey heart having at one point in time or the other endured moments of this and that. Red when love showered in excess – in those days, raindrops fell in red rose petals. Green when friendships blossomed – nature stood at its forefront best and the leaves never looked greener. Orange when there were walks in the park on beautiful summer days – and the sky always had a reflection of the bright colours of summer. White when deep secrets were shared amidst giggles and tears – and there were as many tubs of Hagen Daaz, as one so desired, especially when we realised how tainted shades of white could look when tormented by other colours. Life! *sighs*
Anyway, I love the days when the shades of grey are stripped, like wallpaper off a wall – sometimes slowly, sometimes with aggressive, purposeful intent. I love watching the outbursts of radically changing colour. I love how the combinations tease my mind into replaying some very happy times. I love how these colours sometimes scream out and shoot themselves forth in emotions – emotions that electrify my whole being into genuine existence. These are the days when little things make sense. On these days, I am not colour blind and when I smile at the still pointless conversations, I am sincerely tickled for a change.
Recently, there has been rain here, no a rainstorm, nope – thunderstorm. Ok you know what? It has been a *)”$^*^£&* tsunami here. Therefore,enduring that + drab shades of grey playing charades with my mind has been pretty pathetic and heavily laden with all things cold and miserable and sour (I can think of a few more choice adjectives, but I think you get the gist of it). All the films in this game have been depressing.
Anyway, it was no old ordinary day here yesterday when you reminded me of your love for me. You brought some sunshine my way. Thank you for that because today I remember that I have seen sadness, but I have also witnessed and been endowed with joy in insurmountable measure. So even with that huge never-ending storm, you brought your sunshine – guess what? My heart at this precise moment…at this very second…my heart is one pretty, blindingly colourful rainbow; and this makes a fabulous change from the norm. For this, I thank you.
I wrote this in onour of those times when everything seems so austere, with nothing to aspire to or urge you to go on – suddenly, along comes this message (text, email, bb, voicemail, facebook…whatever) that instantly changes your entire outlook to life….ok at least brightens your day immeasurably. Do you recognise that sudden leap from all the way down there, to top of the mountain looking like one of those emoticon grins? In life, this is certain – we will laugh, we will cry, sigh, we will die, but along the way, God will, from time to time, send us angels to give us a different pair of spectacles.
This piece is dedicated to the members of my inner circle. A lot of my inspiration to write these random notes stems from the courage you give me to comb through star lit skies with fantasy fingers. And to you reading, I wish you colourful shades…always)
Until next time, let’s dig deep!