What will your reaction be when you discover that the man or woman you have once trusted has been unfaithful to you. Contrary to many opinions, the first thought will be for you to ask for a divorce or legal separation. When your love life becomes infested with distrust, emotional torture and distrust do you stay put to talk matters over, do you give up on your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancée or fiancé? Do you engage yourselves in name-calling battle? Do you help the guilty party admit his weaknesses and plan to move forward or you see the flaws as an avenue to let out your already kept anger and resentments?
It’s obvious getting to know about the other person’s activities behind your back may be painful at first, it may seem like a difficult challenge but you can succeed if you’re willing to work it out besides, true love takes two people who have decide to stick together and work it out despite all odds. But for a new level of trust to be built, the guilty party must be ready to admit his/her weakness after all there is no guarantee that the next person to whom you might commit to will remain faithful. We are humans and our flaws and weaknesses may take the better part of us, but in all, forgiveness is a major aspect of human existence.
Here are likely ideas that may help you overcome trying moments like this.
Silence, guilty conscience, half-truths undermine trust, and makes the whole thing look so uneasy. But being open and honest with each other will make things a bit easier. At first the offended may be too upset to talk about what has happened, but as time goes on, you need to be frank and find a convenient time to apologise, and talk over what has happened.
You may decide not to discuss every detail but avoiding the subject is not advisable. Helen 32, said she found it hard to discuss with Justine her husband. She says” I was so upset and downcast, I went as far as tearing every bit of our wedding picture, I wept and cried for days until I had no strength in me again. I managed to listen to him but the communication process helped ease up things well.
Meanwhile in rendering your own part of the story some sensitive parts that may cause the other person to be envious needs to be carefully woven not to make mockery of the person’s intelligience but to show some level of respect for their feelings. But a word of caution here is this, if you are the unfaithful partner, kindly abstain from making excuses or trading blames, take responsibility for your actions and the pains you’ve cause the other person.
The saying , it takes two to tangle is an age long truth , while you the offender cannot fully be perfect, by acting like a team, you and your partner can take a stand and a firm decision about the mistrust that has affected your relationship. However, for things to work out well, there need to be some level of decency, respect, openness and commitment to saving the relationship mostly when it involves married couples. If you try to settle the issue personally, it may lead to another unforeseen challenge. What this means in essence is that you would be needing the consent of the other person to make some certain decisions.
When you change from a particular way of doing something to a new way, the phrase ‘switching ‘ lanes would be the perfect word to describe your action. So also in your relationship, you will need to change the way you both handle things, this would include your thought patters, value systems, your habits and attitudes.
It means that both of you will need to change certain beliefs and impressions you once had for each other. If it means replacing your mobile phone, switching cars and even relocating from a particular neighbourhood (though this is dependent on the financial capacity of people involved).
For someone who truly wants to start afresh, if it means having to stop going out with some friends to certain places, in the absence of your spouse, you will have to make that sacrifice. This will be followed by true and genuine expression of love plus your constant affirmation of love to the offended after all you are working hard again to rebuild what you had destroyed. Take out some time together, write out traits, characters, virtues and actions that could help you both to rebuild trust, list them and implement them practically, if possible add some extracurricular activities that you can participate in together.
Knowing When To Step Up
Any hasty assumption that things have been back to normal just immediately after the second phase of changing your habits will not make things work out fine. Rebuilding trust takes time. It would be much wiser to allow some time to pass to enable the offended forgive you the guilty partner. Normally like in most cases, there will be this atmosphere of unspoken hatred, distrust and isolation but definitely, time will bridge that gap if caution is applied and practical wisdom is put to work. Rather than getting your relationship back to the way it was, try having regular timeouts to evaluate your progress in the forgiving process. At this stage, some level of self appraisal is very much needed, avoid complacency and find exciting ways of making the relationship work out.
When you have come to know that the other party has fully forgiven you, it will be time to surprise the other party with a gift, an outing or even a holiday together. It would be quite fulfilling to have your trust regained by the offended party.
In summary, it will be a wise step to avoid wrong use of words and find new ways of winning the other party all over again and again.